In some sort of desperate yearning for comic material (for this blog, of course, because my stand-up career doesn't exist), I began contemplating exploiting my family's weak points. You know, I could write about farts. (Which we politely call toots.) Or stringy snot. (As opposed to loose.) Boogers and poop are always excellent and reliable material, but they're not very original, are they?
Let's see. What else? Marital problems are generally good for a laugh. (But I don't have any. Too bad.) The female body is outrageously hilarious. (Insert naked picture of self here.) Then there's always dinner time, which in my house is VERY funny indeed because it inspires a great deal of unnecessary STRESS as Mama attempts to feed people something that isn't chocolate. Cause, hey, when I'm tired, that's what I eat.
Which brings me to exhaustion. Literally. But that is not at all a funny topic. In fact, it's quite dire. Maybe this will be the next great pharmaceutical jackpot: meds to mask your sleepiness. I can see the commercial now: pan in on lethargic woman with slimy hair, sans make-up (can you imagine!), ignoring her progeny while sucking down coffee through a straw. Then a voice: "Has life worn you out? Do you find you're sleeping less and less at night and trying to do more and more during the day? Well then you might benefit from ARISE, designed to help you feel your best." Scene change to a woman skipping, three children in her arms. She juggles them effortlessly and giggles delightedly and has on make-up and runs in high-heels. Voice over: "Side effects may include severe dehydration, nervous tension, fear of sleep, fear of bologna, gastric temperament disorder, change in pubic hair texture, loneliness, suicide, addiction, divorce, and in some very rare cases, a strange desire to rule the world."
Oh, mamas everywhere, take pride in your exhaustion! It's not like you were up all night watching bad TV! It's a badge of honor. It means you're doing a REALLY good job. Or, perhaps, trying really hard but still doing a bad one.
Just kidding. I know that can't be true. Because where motherhood is concerned, trying is everything. You just CAN'T rule the world. Alas. On the bright side, it means you are allowed to sleep. The world, apparently, will have to run itself.