Not that I have a devoted following of millions, but my apologies anyway for such lazy blogging. I hope all of you were doing holidays anyway and not glued to your computer. People will like you so much more if you talk to them in person rather than send them a virtual message. (Trust me on this one.)
At any rate, hard though it is to be funny (very hard, sometimes), I will try to wrap up this glorious year with my Top Ten Mothering Moments. Feel free to send me yours. (And copyright them if you don't want them used in a future book of mine! Just kidding.)
Top Ten Mama Moments of 2009
10. My son, standing at a public potty, says to me: "Mama, sometimes my penis gets a little rusty."
(And no, I do not know what he meant by that. And yes, I asked.)
9. During a routine poppy diaper change, I noticed a flap of skin on my daughter's rear. (The really rear part of her rear.) It was pink. And small. I called my mother. I had no idea a baby could get hemorrhoids.
On later inspection, the thing accidentally fell off. To my total horror. And thus I discovered an undigested piece of pink salmon eaten the night before for dinner.
8. After the death of our cat, my son, curious about life and death, asks my husband, "What's alive?" He wants to know if beds are alive, if houses are alive, if cups are alive. Then he asks, "Daddy, are books alive?"
(What would you say?)
7. On an exciting trip to Vermont, my husband and I stopped for lunch and extracted the children from the backseat. Where we discovered my daughter covered in poop. Having no where to go and not wanting to bring her into the restaurant in such a state (and also unable to hold her in anyway without getting covered ourselves), we stripped her down on the sidewalk and used the entire box of wipes to clean her. Whoa onto the poor innocent diners eating on the sidewalk who had to witness this event. (We did try to conceal our activities. You know, in case it's illegal to change a baby in public. Which I'm sure it is. Somewhere.)
6. The classic and darling moment when my toddler, in public, began diving down my shirt, then ripping it off me, while screaming, "Nursies!" (Later when I told this story to a LLLI leader, she said, all too wisely, "That's great. What a moment to educate the public about nursing.")
5. Walking through the Borders Books in Vermont days before a book signing with my son and daughter slyly looking around for my book which I couldn't find anywhere. I gave up and started to head out when my son tugged my hand. "That's the same baby we have," he said, pointing at something. When I turned to see what he was pointing at, I discovered an enormous Danielle Steele worthy display of THIS LITTLE MOMMY STAYED HOME. With that fat baby on the cover.
4. This isn't mine. I've totally borrowed it. But it's the best. My friend has a toddler. The toddler calls her daddy's manly item (seen on rare occasions during dressing and also known as the penis for the more literal minded) his tail.
3. My son, during a play date, began to act wild, unruly, hyper and spastic. Otherwise, just like a three year old. He kept taking his friend's toys. After a particular bad go around between the two of them, my son said, "I'm really a good boy. I just act crazy sometimes."
So, you can teach them to use their words, but it won't make them act any better!
2. In a perfect moment of modeling his mother, my son, woken too early by his sister (while sleeping in the same room on vacation), said, in response to my daughter's request to "get my books," "Mama can get them later. I'm too tired."
1. Waking up, my son snuggled beside me (having snuck in from his own room), I turn and give him a warm cuddle and a kiss, and he says, "Mama, your breath smells."
Well, life is sweet, even if my breath isn't.
I wish you true sweetness in 2010!